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American Church Attendance is Falling

English: Pew dividers in First Methodist Churc...

It’s called the New Exodus.

An 85% drop in church attendance during the last two weeks is emptying America’s churches and has left church leaders from every denomination scrambling to figure out why the pews are empty. A recent study of those who have stopped attending church services sheds light on the New Exodus.

Overextended families are hardest hit.My family and I are too busy for church. We had to stop something. Between fishing, American Idol reruns, soccer practice, renting movies, and Facebook, we don’t have time to focus on God.“ Mike Weinberg, Gary, IN.

Some have cited “lack of motivation” and the “desire to chill” as the reasons he wouldn’t be coming back.I still believe in God and everything. It’s just that I’ve got a lot going on, and could really use some down time on Sundays.” Rajam Prasheed, Litchfield, IL

It’s really hard to pay attention on Sunday anyway” remarks Jill Haskins of New Orlean, LA. “I spend most Saturday evenings watching reruns of Hoarders on TLC until 3:30 am, and don’t have the energy for ‘church stuff.’”

Others have stated an inability to focus during long sermons that have no relevance to their actual lives.12 minutes into the average sermon, I’m fading. It takes all myself control not to fall asleep or get up and walk out on most Sundays. 20 minutes in, I’m white knuckling the armrests on the pew. Last week, I decided, I’m not doing it anymore. I’m not coming back. If it wasn’t for Facebook, my weather app and ESPN on my Iphone, I’d have left a long time ago.” Jim Guest. Watercreak, MS.

Tom from Fresno, CA said, “I can’t take it anymore. I’m sitting there listening to some guy talk about the goat herding practices of ancient Syria, and all I can think about is MY WIFE IS LEAVING ME. I mean sure, those goats are important and all, but what can I do to save my marriage?”

Other Christians have decided to stop faking the front. Jane Wotham, from Lansing, MI, says she’s not going back because, “I’ve been going to church for the last 20 years, and haven’t really changed anything in my life. I’m basically the same bitter, self-involved jerk I’ve always been. Let’s be honest. I’m not doing anything else the Bible teaches so it’s only logical that I ignore those parts about gathering together.”

Redundant worship music is the reason Sandra Wheeler is leaving the Pew to the Few. “If I hear one more chorus of “How Great is Our God.” I swear, I mean, I promise, I’m going to rip my own ears off with my bare hands.”

“I can’t take it anymore,” explains Dale Chandler, “I know I serve an Awesome God, but doesn’t He deserve a new song once in a while. Don’t get me wrong. I love God and enjoy music, but after 49 minutes of Oh How He loves us, I start to question my faith.”

The nation’s pastors and parishioners are adjusting to the change.

Surprisingly congregational giving has remained stable. “Our offerings haven’t really gone down. “The 15% of the people who’ve stayed have been carrying the financial load for years.” Pastor Bill Frye of Seabring, FL

Heather, someone who is still going to church, likes the change, “it’s kinda nice, I mean, everyone there on a Sunday actually wants to be there; people are signing and stuff, and the pastor is able to actually talk straight with us. He isn’t watering it down to keep those other guys happy.”

“If you think about it, it’s really great. I’m spending my time helping people who actually want help instead of trying to be the spiritual cheerleader of the walking dead. Though, It’s kinda hard to preach now that everyone is paying attention. It keeps me on my toes.” Bill Fyre, Coopersvile, VA.

Story Update::: Some have been wondering where this survey was conducted. It wasn’t. It’s a joke.

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